March 25, 2012 Sunday

 1AM - I'm at Gio and Claudia's now in Oakland. I am alone now. There is ample couch space. But now I am alone and my deeds ring true. I don't know where they are. They wouldn't tell me. Only that they "found a place to stay". And I did cry on the car-ride over. It is so, I kicked them out of the car, but if you will, I'd say in somewhat of a "nice" way simply because I could have been a bigger douche about it. I did stick around. I did care. But it barely makes a difference. The way Maddy sobbed. It was as if she was admitting everything. Letting it all go. The kind of sob one thinks of in "I told you so"This was coming at some point as long as she continued in such a way. It was only a matter of time. 3 years in the making. But still I am alone, left to wonder what conditions they're in. And though they are counting on that fact I'm sure, spite alone cannot keep you warm and dry. I do not want them to end up hurt. And tht thought of them cold and wet in the night makes me sad. I can't say I didn't offer to "retake them in" but pride wouldn't let them. Pride at being bullheaded and rude I guess. It's so cold and wet out. I worry.

11AM - Breakfast. Oatmeal full of guilt with Claudia, Gio, Minnie, and other friend. Minnie has the same Joy Division T shirt I do. I share bottle of "Chameleon Cold Brew" Claudia has this voice. A real interesting character. Really smooth sounding and structured. Like an old church in a western world. Like a Celtic Knot.

12 Noon post - Gio works on some web design stuff for a few hours. We're trying to go on a bike ride in a little bit. The rain is clearing up finally. The sun's coming out. Shoes tied on a phone line. Gio's place is neat. It has a garage door that is open right now obscured by a red curtain blowing around. Lots of light in here. Another somewhat industrial space done up cool. I am jealous.

Daytime after. I awake to rotten 2am texts from Leo calling me a cunt and "Fuck you so much" that I left them in the middle of nowhere in the rain. That Maddy had been crying for an hour. I was shaking for while reading it honestly. What more could I have done? They didn't call, I would have got them. They didn't take my final offer. They lied to me about finding a place. It was hard enough leaving them in a coffee shop with wifi. A bunch of shits. What can you do for people so stubborn? They'd rather stew in their own piss. Or cold rain. If it was so bad they would have called. They had enough nerve to message me guilt tripping me about Maddy crying. After all of the times she's put me to tears that really doesn't phase me. She's smarter than that and not helpless. I'm convinced she knew exactly what she was doing the whole trip. She's all too well rehearsed. The nicest and most genuine she was the whole time was when she was drunk in the passenger seat on gin cocktails in Wyoming. Legal or not legal I was mad. But I gave them more rope. I'm going to try and put this away. Maybe a little elemental exposure was what they needed. Nothing I can do now.

San Fran is chilly. Colder than Cleveland! Crazy. Feels about the same it did before last year when I was here. The street outside on 61st and Lowell reminds me of LA. Tall grass and palms. The green paint chipping off the steps outside that I got lost staring at tearing up on the phone with dad. He's an angry man, but he is "within-reason-roadtrip-cheerleader". I made sure Iw as at my worst. This is the beginning of my April adventure. Gio and Claudia are going to take me to some kind of poetry reading tonight at a house with "snacks". Gio likes snacks. Claudia, whada girl. Head half pixie cut, tea drinker, gardener. She takes parts of peoples plants and sprouts them in her own pots. She has wooden boxes outside on the sidewalk. Her lettuce started sprouting today. Then she has some roses she stole from H ome Depot. Just picked them up walking to her car. I'd still like to get in touch with Annetta and Aaron & Veronique, maybe Alberto too! It's so exciting that I'll be seeing Ken & Angie Howard on Friday! This is my first time in Oakland/ It's disappointing to learn that there is really no way to ride a bike from here to San Fran. I guess I assumed it might be like Brooklyn to Manhattan with a pedestrian accessible bridge. You take the BART. Who knows how pricey that is though. Market to Daly City is pricey enough, I'd like to make it back to Haight St. and find the shop where I found those good Stabilo pens.

The New Kids on The Block sleeping bag is a chilly thing turns out. I had awful dreams. Not much worse than the reality of the night. The only feeling I can imagine was worse is the feeling of killing another person. Sickening. The cat Shelly slept at my feet on the bag. I woke to find him there. I crave fish tacos. I've been eating them for the past few days. I could put one away every day for the rest of my life and be into it. On the west coast, a staple!

Reno, Nevada was good for walking around by myself. Abandoning Leo and Carl to make their boxed macaroni and cheese with a microwave at a gas station. San Rafael Park. I climbed trees alone, the temperature was nice and it was sunny. There was a labyrinth garden that wasn't much of a labyrinth at all. I dried my shorts off in the sunlight and breeze draping them over my bike seat. Pretty effective. Popped a can of Red Bull Cola open. I found some at a gas station in Iowa or Nebraska and bought 5 of them. Best cola on earth. I had washed my shorts in the Saratoga hot springs in Wyoming the night before. They return as I'm trying to straighten things up around the car and start setting off firecrackers in Mandarin Oranges.