March 23, 2012 Friday

Salt Lake City, Utah. "Jack Mormon Coffee Company" and the worst iced coffee I've ever had. Ever the ass, me. Leo calls Claire every time we stop. They just borrowed a can opener to open cans of beans. Beans they did not cook in the hot springs of the Saratoga yesterday. Nope not even soy milk could save this coffee. We visited the temple of Mormon, although not the inside. Not unless you're mormon. Not any Space Jesus, we couldn't find him. Maddy and Carl stole little kids Mexican vests from the dance area in the Mormon church museum. 2 large screens with smiling people dancing.

We fight about every couple hours or so. Most of the time anything I have to add to the conversation gets me accused of arguing. It sucks pretty bad. At a Utah rest stop Maddy tells Leo something like "We'll go on another road trip and take as much time as we want and stop everywhere." I imagine I wouldn't be invited. And you know, it's just what I'm left to think with how they talk. I could never voice these things because of course I'm crazy. But let's see one of them fund a cross country car trip 80% of the way without feeling a little shitty. I don't know what will change. She crashed her car, so who knows when she'll get to know it from my end. I love them, and I hate to say it but it will just feel good to be alone when they leave. I'm constantly feeling left out and crapped on, and when you love somebody enough to invite them, to think of them for going on this adventure and they treat you like you're just a hinderance to their good time, geez, what else are you supposed to feel? It feels wretched. I'm worried about having money to get home, and to get myself to Portland from Los Angeles. I accused her of not having any empathy. She didn't appreciate it of course and reacted with sarcasm. I'll go 160 miles out of the way on a route she wanted to take so bad that she slept for most of it. Sick, or hung over from their Wyoming gin cocktails in the car. Which I suppose is legal in Wyoming, but I did not care for. At least they talked about more rounded things, like shared experiences. I figured they'd just get more obnoxious and disrespectful-spiteful. But no, I guess that's just a sober habit.

We're looking for a ghost town. This time of year I guess it's hard to see the Salt Flats anyway because of snow melt from the mountains. I hate to feel this way. And I feel so very. This coffee shop eats it. Maddy walked to get us samosas. I'm already thinking of Cleveland and regretful it will be so long now until I see Marty again. We're still not quite in the desert. This here mountains and plains. Snow. We slept in Green River in a fast food parking lot. None of them remembered how we got there.