March 21, 2012 Wednesday

7:30 PM  - Between Omaha & Lincoln Nebraska, Just left the Holy Family monument. A giant church made of wood and glass. Really beautiful upon a hill. We stomped around. Carl tried to climb the giant crucifix made of metal. I fell in a hole. Driving away, I wondered how it must have looked from the freeway, Carl on that cross "God save me!". Tipping up rainbow lights. I hope I don't get the stigmata from those lambs ear leaves I took after Leo had already picked them.

We also stopped at "Freedom Rock" before we left the state of Iowa. Painted all patriotic with soldiers of different eras by a guy nicknamed "Bubba". It rained.

We stopped at a coffee/soda shop in La Claire on the Mississippi River. The best grape soda I've ever had. The balding eccentric behind the counter likes to decorate with items that would welcome everybody. Asian, Muslim, Whitey, a black angel. "People say I like weird things" He showed us a single bowl. H was amazed I knew what it was. Then a Korean street drum. "It looks like a gong, sounds like a gong, smells like a gong." Then he showed us these "Giant Rings". Back in the day from giants at a traveling circus. These rings are huge. He said you'd shake the hand and just pull them off. The giant would reach behind him and just put on another one. He refilled Carl's coffee and we took pictures of the gum collection under the counter built up over maybe 60 years! I think he liked us. He quoted Whitney Houston when he learned we liked music. An unexpected man.

March 20, 2012 Tuesday

On the road. 80 between Cleveland and Chicago. Maddy is driving looking whispy with her Lennon sun glasses and eating a giant carrot, Between 70 & 80 MPH. Over 200 miles from Chi-town. The boys in the back seat. She's driving namely because as if planned by the fates as I was about to get into the car on our street for us to leave and get Leo, a bug flew in my eye, Of course I panicked and whatever string of events bad luck or because I tried rubbing my eyes to get it out, my eye, right eye is scratched. It's so painful. I'm sitting here, right eye closed under a pair of super dark lenses, knock off Ray-Bans. "Merckins" like the pube toupee. I'm hoping that keeping it closed and relaxed for an hour or more will help the scratch go away. Now and then it breaks out in uncontrollable tears. You know I just can't believe how that would happen literally moments before take off. Sucks. Just my luck that such a debilitating thing would happen to my eyes of all things. But I'm trying my best to overcome it. Man, I'm just not interested in this ruining the drive for me, even though it's damn trying too. Like Mono in 2011, I shall overcome.It's some effort trying to keep it closed. I could be like Nadine on Twin Peaks. Get an eye patch. Duncan from Canada likes the way Maddy looks when she drives. It hurts to even try and turn around and see whatever dumb shit Leo and Carl are up to. The dynamic is funny though, how it switches for whoever is driving. Either way Leo is trying to distract by poking or shoving carrots or grapes in your mouth. Maddy at this time even she yells and gets upset at being distracted. No understanding though. Really no understanding still. But we'll see. God I hope my eye gets better.

Past 10PM - "Coffee Shop" in Chicago. Rodney something. Eating goat cheese sandwiches. I'm on edge. My head hurts pretty bad, my eye looks worse and worse. Although it doesn't feel as bad. The headache is worse than the eye pain. We're ready to get back on the road. With all of the pain I'm in I'm not so sure how much driving I have left in me tonight. The eye does burn and keeps watering. My face is sometimes sopping. The redness is crazy. Leo and Carl are off somewhere drinking in an alley. We had a bit of time at Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore Park. Pretty beautiful place. Lake Michigan. "Dune Man" Races.We even explored this abandoned house. It was on a lean on a little hillside. Lots of beds upturned, mattresses and foam. Huge Hellman's Mayonaise jars I was tempted to take for kombucha purposes. But I didn't want to end up with some kind of Indiana woodsman stigmata or anything. Newspapers lying around were dated for July of 2001. Almost 11 years. Had it really been sitting empty so long? It was hard to believe. The area has to get hit with snow. That it all was in such good shape makes it a mystery to me. Leo started finding ticks on his legs so we got the hell outta there. Maddy got a nasty splinter in her hand from this weird wheeled carriage that Carl pulled her down a dune on. Found it underneath the house. In such an odd state that place was. Chicago has been awkward walking side walks far behind everybody after we met up with Chance Walker. Could barely find a grocery that was open. and now we're separated. I'm not looking forward to the challenge of finding a place to sleep tonight. Maddy wants to camp out somewhere near the Mississippi River. Ah boy. Saying goodbye to Marty was rough. What a sweet guy.

I think Jackie got his package yesterday. I got a message saying "Phillipa, thanks for the stuffs! Lots of love!" It was nice to wake up to in the middle of the night. One night ago we were making burritos with Jam and Marty. No going back now. Not for a while now. Off to San Francisco. F-ing eye. The worst. No longer with Dad's nice pen. It kept coming apart. This one smudges pretty awful. Gonna pop another Aleve. The water from the bathroom in here tastes like hose water. Water out of that mason jar has tasted like that all day.

I have to think about making another tape of my stuff. Met a kid the other night at Beau Animale with the others playing from Baltimore. His name was Tadd.

March 18, 2012 Sunday

"I love the look of swept carpet" I say in the noon hour at Carl and Marty's. "I guess I never noticed" says Jake. I figure probably most people never notice. But after 3 + years working in movie theatres, throwing in some usher work it almost becomes a sort of art form. Vacuuming is similar too, seeing the flow of the carpet change direction and the light hit it differently. Dark and sheen like, though not Charley Sheen. Then dull and brighter. Stripes as you pull the thing. That has given me a thrill since I was little. Though I haven't ran a vacuum in years. Carpet doesn't play much of a role in my life anymore, and it's almongst the many things we don't have in our house. A Vacuum. Sweeping the carpet is just more fulfilling. Silly string and "chocolate stains" everywhere after a night of Thin Lizzy St. Patrick's Day celebrations. "Pin The Chocolate Stain On The Pants". Marty's mom comments to Jake "You went to the same grade school as Marty". Marty says "Then he went to Holy Name where he actually got to talk to girls", "No I just looked at them", Jake replies. "Socks everywhere, that's how you know it's been a party" but I'm in tights requiring no socks. Maddy took off yesterday around noon to New York City with that Framework band. Not quite falling in love with any of them of what I'm aware, but yet enough of a spontaneous appeal to have her write or more text her Dear John leter to Jo Jos before her 6:30 AM shift. Then last call Leo calls ablazen with anger at her arrival on his last night with Claire. Poor Leo. Oh Maddy, you missed crayons down Chubby's crack so you could cry in a New York City bar.

3PM - To clean out my car in Shepard's driveway as he attaches my new mismatched colored-passenger mirror. My garbage and junk say these things to me:

The Green Belt - One of many clothing items loaded to Maddy, has retired in the car for months now.

Several Messy Take-Out Containers  - One filled with blue paint water.

Vintage Boy Scouts Handbook - You never can be too prepared.

Golden Corral Thermos - Transfered from Dad's Mazda to the Camry' in Jan. 2012. It is red.

Bag of Acrylic Paint - Been in car since May 2011 working on radio station Hacienda Party.

Wasted Roll of Paper Towels - Vastly saturated with god knows what. Most likely toddy from any number of leaks and spills maybe as far back as summer of 2010  on the 101. Perpetuated by Granger's feet.

Plastic Tupper-Bowl - Left by Tino in October 2011. His Yerba Mate bowl for stop in Mystic, Connecticut. Too strong! On our way back from awkward Barista conference in Providence.

Crumpled Paper Print outs - From American Airlines Flight from Los Angeles to Richmond, VA.

Napkins, Worn & Dried Up Pages of Atlas, Take out Silverware

an MKE 400 "Sennheiser" microphone accessory for a video camera manual left in Camry October 2011 by one of Robin's friends we picked up in Brooklyn on our way from NYC to Jamaica Plain, Mass for that Pink House Family tour. It's mostly in German. The kid was filming the tour. I hope he doesn't miss it too much.

Paper Takeout Menu from Canter's Deli 24 hour on Fairfax in Hollywood, CA found home here in Jan. 2012. Late night meet with Toulouse and Valerie in Mazda. I kept it.

In Cuyahoga Falls with Shepard, we've come to his favorite bar "Johnny Biggs,". He says the Philly Cheese steak is excellent. Stevie Wonder plays on the radio. Everybody knows his name. I'm introduced as "His cousin" funny.

After 9PM - Beau Animale. Probably the last time I'll be in this place before it becomes a taco joint. From a message Stan sent me earlier it sounds like Jackie is supposed to be in town and play. I brought him this Jane Child Record but he ain't here. I wonder where he's coming from. And great news, Maddy's ticket from Pittsburgh to Cleveland is overbooked and she's going to be stuck in Pittsburgh. I guess it looks like she'll have to buy a greyhound ticket and hop on with Leo. Leo gets his out of NYC at midnight. I'm sure it will pass through Pitts. She hasn't gone into detail about it yet.

Just got a call from Toulouse in Los Angeles! Neat. He likes my "Science Will Find A Way" track. He says he thinks it's the best so far. He said him and Valerie broke up a couple of months ago. Too bad, How can you know those things about some people? Valerie didn't say anything when we talked a couple weeks ago. Biff Hanes walks in. Damn I forgot his double mix tape he left at the house. Manny Moore and Granger walk in. Alvin wants to watch Martin Scorceese's "After Hours". Haven't seen a trace of Dante yet. Henry lounges with his locks on the couch. This droney vocals dude named Jerimiah "Scares" from Baltimore with a loop pedal moans away. I like the sounds coming out of his guitar, they're ambient and fuzzy. I hope Jackie will play. There's something like nothing else which takes you over when he's up there head up and down, strawberry blonde halo moving his hand and arm over those strings.

This morning was nice. Slowly waking to birds. We fell asleep to birds in "The Blue Hour". Dammit people are so hot and cold. Marty and I sharing a spot practically, our hands both petting Suzy in the dark. I actually feel a little uncomfortable about it in retrospect. It just seemed a little odd. He lay on the floor by the couch I was on. I had my head and hand on Suzy. Our feets were all on the automan. He had his hand I'm sure uncomfortably so on Suzy too outstretched above. And I just well ... I like Marty so I thought it was cute, but now I feel a bit awkward like maybe I did something wrong. But we did, him, Jake and I make it to St. Sebastian's on 65th for post-service donut and coffee. Hafta do it more often.

Jackie never comes.

March 15, 2012 Thursday

Afternoon with Dad and John before they head off back to Richmond. They're in the "Louisville" bat store on 25th. Passing it walking inside, I should have predicted what would happen. The owner comes back inside and the 2 of them get off to talking about sports, Babe Ruth. Reproducing bats. I can hear the owner raising his voice inside passionately about his craft. He makes baseball bats, stains, or paints them personalized engraving or one of the many liquor logo or bad dad music engraved bats to choose from. Not to completely discount dad music of course. I like The Beatles, The Who, Van Morrison, I just think that for now, for me, they're a little boring in comparison to my latest discoveries. In fact, I love The Beatles. So I sit outside on drizzled sidewalk wondering if he'll ever come out. I need to get to painting. Maddy, Granger and I might go see an Eric Rohmer film at the Cinemateque later.

--So Dad's gone. I probably won't see John Q again for another 5 years. All is okay. John is a sweet guy I think, even if we are drastically different culturally. We can both laugh at 30 Rock. Even if he chooses to wide-eye to Benny about how guys were rubbing each other's shoulders last night at Richard's apartment down the street from mom on 44th. Pierre in fact getting a back massage. "I told your dad, I said you wouldn't be seeing any of that down in Georgia!" Hah, North Georgia, Calhoun and Ringold, no, I imagine probably not. But what about Atlanta, Savannah? Elton John even owns property there, or at least he did in the 90s. He ditched an old complicated female friend he might have met up with on W.6th street. The answers in the question! And he hung out with Marty, Maddy, Carl, Pierre, and I at Richard Abelman's very cool post-bachelor degree-just-moved-back-from-Chicago apartment. Nice appliances, framed posters and art, and complete with Ikea furniture and a suede feeling sofa. Yup, that was Luke Reynolds alright, straight out of Oberlin, but he was moving TO Chicago instead. Last I heard one of his last roommates boyfriends threatened to kill him, and he was hiding out. But Richard's... A different scene to John I'm sure. Kids sitting around massaging each other with cheap beer watching youtube videos of Cleveland's own Herbert Shelty, the hand snapping sensation I learn appearing on Arsenio Hall and German talk shows in the 90s, when he had hair on Marty's cell phone.

Pierre tells me I look elven, Lord Of the Rings style. The dork in me secretly took it as a super-compliment but still weird. A comment straight out of left field, however it brought up up me referencing buying that Arwen "Evenstar" necklace in junior high with money collected at the lunch table in a styrofoam cup. My idea was to scrounge for left over lunch money quarters, but Lizzie Chambers, the bi-curious of this bunch of friends enjoyed going about and selling a sob story about my mom having some illness or something. It's really more horrible to hear about than it sounds in my head. So sorry mom. John Q of course repeated this to dad apparently, who then brings it up today in the car. Man shame on me. He violently speaks in terms of what he would have done if kids said things about his Japanese mother. I do not take responsibility entirely for 8th grade doings anymore, not one of my finer moments. So dad goes and leaves me hopeful for "On The Road" movie which has an official trailer now and it's good. I'm psyched for the Thomas Newman sounding soundtrack. And also leaves me sad for the big blow up with mom I had yesterday, which caused her to retreat herself to her room. It was something I said of course, isn't it always? I'm not my mother or my father. I'm something quite different and trying to remain understandable to them, us, to each other can be very tough sometimes. I worry for their efforts of getting back together. It will be disappointing to me if it does not work out for them. Every deserted-feeling-child's fantasy, parents getting back together. I'm prepared, but I can't pretend not to be changed by these ideas. I will see Dad in San Francisco.

I move things around my dresser trying to clean and make sense touching several things that aren't exactly useful or mandatory. Empty lotion bottle, zipper pouch, receipts old, rubber bands, junk, and I restraighten this little area where I keep a few perfumes I have. There's the ever-present "Maybe, Baby" Shelby gave me for my 18th birthday in New Orleans. Not to mention several neat old shades of red lipsticks in vintage/antique 1940s/30s containers mom gave me, one 90s one from Grandma Michiko. Then I focus on these two miniature perfumes. Setting them upright again. "Este Lauder Private Collction" and "Odalisque". Mom bought them because they were two her mother, Grandma Diana wore. Mom even put some of an old bottle of Odalisque on when she was visiting her papa, Grandpa Sal in the nursing home to remind him. I feel a little sad mom gave them to me so as to have something of my grandmother Diana. But I never knew her. Died in the 70s. And that part of mom, their relationship I've heard in stories, but I can never truly know. Mom remains a mystery. But a mystery with a scent. the scent is those 2 little bottles on my dresser. Memories I don't have, but scents of a ghost that I do. Like blindness, it's bittersweet.

Around Midnight - I recorded live drums to "Science Will Find A Way". Cleaning house for show tomorrow, we listened to Life Preserver and as if summoning him, I heard from Jackie. We maybe able to see each other on some of my last few days in Portland. "Clean on.." He says. Maddy and I biked out to the Cinemateque for a 6:45 movie. "The 4 Adventures of Reinette & Mirabelle" So Maddy thinks it's called. Killer soundtracks. Made in '86. Perfect. Rohmer used Elli & Jacno in "Les Nuits De La Pleine Lune" He has taste! His movies all look like music videos by Nigel Dick, of fashionable French moody people doing very normal things. Mirabelle & Reineette are 2 early 20-something/late teens going from meeting in the country in the spirit of mutual mystical minds, the "blue hour" and end up living in a Paris flat together. The whole time I'm going back and forth trying to decide in my typical girl -fashion who of the 2 on screen are most like Maddy and I. Fashion-wise maybe I'm more like Ms. Mirabelle and vice versa. However I would not agree with Maddy that I would be less like her in the beliefs she has stemming from her ethnology side. I would rather as well get a kick out of aiding a petty shop-lifter. At least in a grocery store my morals are not so dictatived. But no use trying to argue a point like that especially with Maddy. How funny, how perfect us on a date like that to see a movie about our French counter-parts. And I get so tied up and hypnotized, hugged by the language that exiting the auditorium anything I want to say I want to be in French, but of course I don't speak it. Only now and then some words seem to become more familiar, So we bike home on Euclid, spouting girly wishes and childlike fantasies of French things. Speaking it, moving there, buying the church for sale on Euclid. I start singing a song to myself to the tune of "Lonely Guys" by Pas De Deux.

                "If I had a lot of money in Cleveland, Ohio
                 I would buy, I would buy
                 I would buy myself a church and a life-time supply of pastel shoes and a ____ guy."

Oh help me. I won the Cinemateque raffle with 7080. A 5 dollar ticket for the University Circle Coffee shop. Formerly Arabica. Lucky day!

March 13, 2012 Tuesday

Something like a year ago happened my great bit Amtrak fiasco with J. Dante at the end. The weather is insanely premature Spring. Just a sweater as I biked to Tap & Brew to paint. I have a lot done. I'm hoping I can finish in maybe just a few short sessions. Dad is in town and I want to spend some time with him. He has ole' Applebee's co-worker John Q with him. Funny how he picks up thest tragglers on trips sometimes. I haven't seen John since 2007. We would chase each other around Applebee's, Calhoun, with cleaner spray bottles. Closing time could be really fun around that place. So he literally quit his job there, not that it isn't about time, and came with dad. Trying to assess his life or soemthing going all of the way back to Richmond. Quit on a moments notice. He claims though, being drunken on Appletinis he was telling everybody he was moving to Virginia. He sits online creating a fantasy baseball league and I sit under a sputnik lamp in mom's dining room. I dubbed "Two For The Road" for my show Thursday. My last show for a while, better enjoy it, me and in the spirit of car travels, I thought, a great film, Stanley Donen. Although it should really be "Four For The Road" because not only Maddy and Carl, but Leo is bussing back from NYC on the 19th to come too! Honest to goodness it's the absolute ultimate! Man the four of us on Highway 80 across the country! Man it's been a fantasy since we were just wee "Lads From Liverpool" and I miss Leo! I'm so happy I'm going to have them all with me! I only with I could ride with them back. That train ride will sure be a hoot for them all! Lots of cardboard black bean burgers. I wonder where Carl is in "selling all of his records"? Mom mailed for me today 2 packages. She still has the white tree lit up like Who-ville.

I'm trying to have to have a rough listening version of "Science Will Find A Way" before we set out saying as how I probably won't be recording any music while I'm gone. The song has really transformed from my original direction. Where I thought it would go. Not super electronic in fact, lots of guitars layering with echo, flanger and tremolo. Trying to maybe channel Jackie Dante a little bit. Some of those picking and palm muted sounds really translating through the effects. I more closely identify some of his tracks. To be able to semi-duplicate his guitar sound is kind of neat. I didn't intentionally at first, but it makes it more moody and organic I think. Not that the synths aren't organic, but it seems nothing I can add to the mix with any manual arpeggiation or whatnot is making it sound any better. I want it to feel absolutely right. And being that in some, my own vague kind of way the song is inspired by some of him, how only appropriate that something like his guitar sound is in here. My hands ache from playing. Doing retakes is a major strain! I'm even toying with adding lives drums over the drum machine. Total Valley-Girl-Hollywood-dark-bar-rock. Uh - oh.

Maddy busies herself with several pre-road trip activities I know her to do. Preparing, hoping for shorts weather, she scopes Unique and grabs up a lime green denim pair of high-waisted "Sassoon"brand shorts. An over-sized-sleeveless-crooked-print t shirt. Yes, the trip to Unique. Planning routes. Over planning without me. With more time and internet access. Fearing my parents will make me paranoid. I claim full responsibility for my own paranoia thanks. No thanks to them. Give me some credit here. She cuts up shorts with me. Self-consciously looks in the mirror with me. Not that it's a pre-road trip thing necessarily. I have a lot to get in order clothes, books, notebooks, ideas. Maybe a last trip to Unique. But I should stay the hell away.

March 11, 2012 Sunday

At Carl's 10PM - Carl on phone trying to convince Leo to come across country with us. Carl's going to come too! So Maddy Carl and I will be driving out the 20th, Tuesday, that's in about a week. They're going to train it back. Maddy's fighting with me about the bus from San Francisco to Emeryville like it's some awful inconvenience and making me feel shitty for no reason. Not much point in thinking too much about it. She just wants to complain about something, feel in the know. Not that I didn't take that exact trip. That 20 minute ride. Ahhhh! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

Carl came with me to Selena Webster's birthday party at the Ocean Park Wine Bar last night. Maddy went with Pierre to a contra-dance. Selena's had an open bar. Carl really enjoyed this. I tried to but kept striking out with over liquored soda drinks. Girl-drink-drunk. Carl's goal was to try every beer on the list. Mom showed up too and seemed to get real nice and social like. Trying to convince me I'd enjoy a rum and coke. The DJ wasn't good but played us some Paula Abdul and Bobby Brown. We got to try out moves and groove to the sights of some Ohio City parents and Non profit workers. I stripped Elijah of his blazer and put it on. Even mom was dancing. I can't deny I don't enjoy somewhat the looks people give me when I dance around. Parents, peers, whoever. Disgusted, dazzled, girl in unflattering pants looks like she's drunk. Who knows. But I get a thrill and it feels good. And I love dancing with Carl.

March 9, 2012 Friday

25 cents a play at Steve's Lunch. They want Tom Petty/Conway Twitty, not Maroon 5. They get Randy Ravis. "Hey Yeah Instrumental" was a lucky shot for Tony once. JC cello kid from Buffalo who looks like Bud Hall also here. Touring together in a newish Volvo. Perogies, coffee with cream. It's good to get a paycheck sometimes. Talking about the chubby black guy who works at the w.65 post office who hums smooth jazz. Looking at my NYC package that I drew a crappy cartoon of the Chrysler building onto with he says "This package is going to New York!"

Maddy gets a sausage-tastic skillet, farmers skillet so good smelling. Skillet for Tony. Rye toast.