January 16, 2012 Monday

Last of stay with dad pretty much. Denny's skillet breakfast and he's getting his paper next door at the Tiger Mart. Woke this morning to calls from The Path. Didn't answer.

10:36 pm - Back home again. Cleveland, Ohio. Sitting in bedroom disappearing into the Denny's skillet grease stain on my pants. 2 weeks  can be along time. And then disappear suddenly. Like me into that stain. Changed my shirt. Cynthia Dale stares out at me from the cardboard record sleeve soundtrack to "Heavenly Bodies". I laid out several new things on the bed. Patti Smith book of photographs, '69 some year, Marilyn Monroe book dad let me borrow depicting her pretty much naked on the cover. Shot from her last film "Somethings Gotta Give". She was one of the first major Hollywood stars to be seen nude on film. The production that fired her. Also the Daryl "Monroe" book. I talked to Aria on the phone, got the Path crap squared away. Didn't even speak with Nadine. I'm sorry and not sorry at the same time. Her making e sound irresponsible on the phone voicemail. But I can forgive her for being under stress. But she gets like this sometimes. Selective memory for things. It's hard to do anything but get mad at her. Mom called for me earlier while I drove home. Nadine claiming some miscommunication. There always seems to be one. But it looks like the shifts are covered now, and at least Aria sounded excited to hear from me.

Really happy to be doing a normal. Maddy making macaroni in kitchen. we sit down and eat it, adding lots of salt and hot sauce. Our lives. Just talking about what each of us has been up to. I give her a couple notebooks. She talks about Duncan, our friend, who is in Vancouver staying with his folks for a while. She will ideally visit him on the Washington side of the border when she flies out to Seattle at the end of the month. She has no passport currently. She's probably going to stay with Lavender in Seattle, possibly Claire's parents in Olympia. Most recent news from Leo Milan in New York City, his new home comes in text to Maddy "I'm standing next to Bjork"

Next on bed spread are more records. 2 more Soundtracks "Thief of Hearts". bought because Thief of Hearts is a movie Jackie gave me as a birthday present in 2010 actually, music produced by Moroder, still haven't watched it, but why let this slide by? Then "St. Elmo's Fire", simply so I can have "Man In Motion" by John Parr to spin in DJ sets. "Orgelvark" Swedish synth comp. & "In Trance 95" both Minimal Wave. Maddy and I are gonna go over to moms and watch "Deadly Friend", with Kristy Swanson.

January 15, 2012 Sunday

Session Part 2 in watching movies. In minute segments on youtube. This time, "Heavenly Bodies" with actress Cynthia Dale. Yesterday in Carytown of course I went in to Plan 9 Records. Found some good VHS to take home. "Deadly Friend" with Kristy Swanson. Listening right now to Bonnie Pointer's "Bring Out The Beast". Looking through the vinyl soundtracks what practically jumps out of the stack but the soundtrack I'm familiar with from many google image searches. Cynthia Dale posing half spread eagle in some great leotard. All sweaty. I can't help but let out a string of laughter. Already being reminded of Jackie by some surf movie I find on the shelf, it's as if he's there with me in spirit, jumping out of the record sleeves and saying "Hi girl!" Gosh his voice echos in my mind, I knew how silly he was even then at Video Return in Strongsville asking the lady clerk "Do you guys have a copy of 'Hard Bodies'... What about 'Heavenly Bodies'?" Later I hear the same voice out of Layne, only to a movie ultimate level. So here I am laughing alone in Plan 9 Records on Cary Street. Of course I buy the record. 

I'm here watching this video, and you know I had this hunch a while back. The end of side A or B of that "Italo-class" mix Jackie frist gave me has some audio of girlies working out to good music. well now no more questioning, several scenes in "Heavenly Bodies" feature, this song, namely that particular scene. Day in day out, I can't escape. I'm reminded of Jackie Dante. He is so much apart of my life. My inspiration, my drive to keep my feet moving. I don't know if he understands or has any idea. I don't know if the things I say freak him out or not. Telling him I think of him often and that his mixes make me want to dance anywhere at all with him in letters I have sent him earn me "those letters are deep man" Which is much better than being ignored. But for all I know it's his own way of putting up a wall. I know he's a huge artist and all but I can't help but think of him like I do, when I'm reminded of him all the time. And these things make me so happy. It's like vigor of life I can drink. that gives me energy. Dancing on the floor is like no other feeling in the world that I can describe. And I can't believe it took me so long to find it. And Jackie brings, brought that out of me like nobody. He just doesn't give me answers, dancing definitely is an answer, so is laughter. But love, love is so complicated. Nobody has met me better on so many levels, and he is thousands of miles away. Maybe someday we'll get our timing right. He'll tell me what is true for him, despite what it means for me. I just want to hear what is true, what is real, and maybe then we'll all be real. Until then I have all of this, records, films, dancing, all reminders of him. And me, the girl Henry Abbot said liked Klymaxx. I left that tape in Henry's backseat. That same night I fell asleep on a harvested diner seat at Dean Mann's "Portal", catching the words "murder death kill" from Sandra Bullock's lips on the tv set.

Dad gets Daily call from Hair Club For Men. I think of 4 am slap happy Benny, having left his cell phone at Deryl Miligan's house saying in the darkness of Petey Jr, and Jack's bedroom. "I hope Deryl Miligan doesn't get a 4am wake-up-call by hair club for men" and proceeded to get yelled at by Shelby, unable to get back to sleep! A funny guy, my dad.

Midnight - Dad shows me photos Shelby has recently posted of our big trip. With captions like "Phillipa's in the splash zone" While we are eating udon noodle bowls at Mitsuwa. Then the most recent posted photos Shelby took from front seat of car of a bus add in Torrance. An "Enroll at El Camino College" board add and who is on the picture? Shelby! With a couple others from her student ambassador club. Benny adds "There's your 15 minutes..." Not to mention the photo that gets sent to your email that some guys floating around the Sleeping Beauty Castle take and send. Disneyland is cool! Even with a baby like Benny.

It's not at all bad just hanging with dad at home. Since 4 pm just laying low pretty much, eating cold pizza, seeing how fast the Entemann's disappear. It's forever and a day in tv land. Something like 8 hours of television. Mostly movies though. Bits of them, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, "The Town", "The Eagle", then some regurgitated "I Love the 80s" best of on VH1 Classic, some "Nightmare Next Door" stuff on one of these new mystery channels. In the vibe of "Unsolved Mysteries" But here the mysteries are solved. I suppose other than why human beings do such horrible things to each other, and no Robert Stack. No host of any kind. Now there's a shitty reality "Pick-a-replacement" type of show I'd watch. Creepy guy or gal to replace Robert Stack on a contemporary version of "Unsolved Mysteries", or maybe at that, we should just start filming a show like that in Cleveland!

January 14, 2012 Saturday

So there's a lot of bike culture in Richmond. After some research on where to get some good coffee I ended up around Carytown a bit down on Addison St. at a shop called the "Lamp - Lighter". The decor is pretty alright, I like it a lot actually. An outdoor depot for covered seating. The iced-coffee is pretty awful though. Cold pressed means, cold french press I'd guess. Too many oils, not good. Toddy is really the only way to produce a quality iced coffee. My drink of choice. Hanging on the walls are old photographs of cyclists, also art harvested from old pinball machines it looks like. See, if I opened a spot, I would want the design of the space to say more than the art on the walls, if I even wanted to hang any. Too busy. I bought Jack Jackson a half lb of Brazil Alta Moigana with the 20he gave me. I couldn't get him "Handsome" coffee out in LA. Too bad, I would have also been interested to try it out there. I'm currently being one of those assholes who says togo but stays in a seat. I guess what I say is, I really didn't know what I wanted at the time. What's wrong with that? Honestly, it's a lie. I never think assholes of those people. Honestly, I don't pay much attention to where the customer decides to take their coffee once they've received and paid for it. Unless they also bought food... doesn't bother me.

Dad is at work. I could have stayed home and beyond entertained myself with his endless books and films, but decided to let my true colors fly and go looking for "a spot". Seeing people arrive and take off on bikes makes me homesick. I biked critical mass 2 weeks ago in Cleveland, but with poor respiratory health and shitty wet weather my biking has been limited to trips to the grocery, market, and Jojo's to see Maddy. I miss it. I hope my endurance picks up when I get home. Was gonna leave today, but I'm being told the snow has the roads up there looking pretty bad, and the plows aren't on it, so I'll wait it out a day or two. I'm looking forward to seeing Maddy. I miss her even though we left on sort of teetering terms 2 weeks ago, me kind of feeling let down on New Years Eve. But it's in the past now. I just want to see her again. I feel good right now. And I want to be there. Even if we don't have her Black Nissan anymore to have car wars to "Dancing In The Dark" by Bruce, because she crashed it while looking at the moon.

I'm going to go eat this bagel and walk around Cary St. Maybe I'll buy a love & guilt gift for Heidi. I still haven't thanked her for the socks she sent me on my birthday. Not doing good on the front of that. I will deal with the taste of regurgitated coffee in my mouth.

Around Midnight. Dad and I ordered a pizza a block away and watched "That Thing You Do". Featuring Liv Tyler, childhood crush, and the late Ambassador Hotel. Such a beautiful looking building. Mom says her and Snick used to go to an English imports store that was inside the place. And now it's gone. Made way for a high school.

January 13, 2012 Friday

Lube Stop, Chester Virginia. Dad's buying me an oil change. Standing at the window he says "Nice collection of autumn leaves you have under your hood." In reference to mine, moms, Shelby's, and his car. "At least we've got everybody in the same century now." 3 people plugging away at the car from the nice gridded window I can see.

Dad woke me up this morning to some excitement. "You've gotta see this picture, Jack Kerouac picture. It's the most beautiful one I've ever seen!" It was a foreign published version of the book "Vanity of Deluoz"A picture of Jack Kerouac in football gear & helmet with angel wings, stars on his helmet & legs. Images in his body of people and road. It really was, the most beautiful.

-- Some mall in Colonial Heights. We wanted to see if that "My Week With Marilyn" movie was playing, but it isn't. So now we walk around the mall. And broken record or not I barely need explain how much of a floatation device I feel like. However, as I wait for dad in this lobby underneath vaulted ceilings with sky lights and gymnasium light fixtures, I am confronted by a store front called "Fun Depot". Must be, last of the arcades, it is an arcade! How wonderful, a play-for-tickets arcade. Streetfighter games, skeeball, claw machines, and Hungry Hungry Hippos. I walk up, and waiting for me with a polite "Hello" is one single ticket. Thanks Hungry Hungry Hipppos. There's a prize counter even. A little snack bar. One of the dad-heavy guys is wearing an "In & Out Burger California" t-shirt.

-- Holiday Inn, Colonial Heights, downstairs restaurant. Charlie, dad's kitchen mate also works here. Classy place. Golden apolstered seats, deco looking light fixtures, television screens above each booth not so great. Man this war on oil shit on the news. When are they gonna say enough already! Ride your bicycle! Power with steam, hemp oil, leg oil. God damn I mean we have smart engineers in this country. If these companies weren't such greedy ignorant pricks, this would all be old news. Imagine how many lives would be saved, for the love of god. I say, just give it to them, back out. The world survived without oil before. It can do it again. And probably do amazing things. Sure, so much would change. But it's necessary. Live without certain things, change, adapt. It would be fine. Fossil fuels are not the only answer.

Benny with basket of fish & chips, he calls his "Shake".

The lighting in here is great. A golden glow. Dad just filled my tank up for me. He also just bought Peter, Jeana, and the kids a laptop, such a sweetheart. I hope he can do all of these things. What a good guy. We didn't find "That Thing You Do" at Best Buy, but that's alright, we're gonna go home and watch "Diner".

Listening to the old Dante tape in car. Dad makes fun, says I'm no child of rock and roll or something. Jackie Dante, I think of you.

11pm - Dad and I watched "Diner"! Now he's browsing Facebook and I'm half listening to this "Lowell Blues" dvd he just put on. I don't know about this stuff. Having in interest in Jack Kerouac, though more of an interest in my dad, I've never been able to understand why videos like this get on my nerves. I guess I figure because it seems like most of these people reading his poetry/books out loud aren't being themselves, or they don't sound like it anyway. Johnny Depp's speaking now, for some reason I can handle it. You know I suppose it's because he sounds like himself. I guess he is a good actor, whereas these other people aren't always actors, but friends, or perhaps other writers that just enjoy Kerouac, but it just sounds like so many of these people are trying to sound like an idea. Some idea of "Beat-Speak" or something, and it really gets to me. Almost makes my skin crawl. I'm sorry, I know you were married to Neal Cassady, but Carolyn, I don't enjoy hearing you read. I'm not sure why you would try and play into an act. Trying to sound a certain way, but you do. You probably don't even realize it. Maybe you do. But it doesn't make a difference. It's the way people read Kerouac out loud who have listened to Kerouac himself read aloud too many times. They sound like they're forgetting to listen, to comprehend, but are acting strictly on memory. Sort of the same people who argue that movies made from books are hurting/intrusive on the imagination, that all they see now are these actors, one persons imagining of the story! I understand that yes, but I think the same argument can be put forward for live readings of an artists work. Yes Kerouac, wrote the books himself, he had every right to represent them, it's his own vision and his works were autobiographical. Aw shucks he can't help it, he's been so caricature-zed by time. They (people), I think often look right past the reality of "On The Road". They look past the real great simplicity of it and deity-ize Jack Kerouac. So it becomes this big act.It becomes this big celebration like Halloween or something. And everyone starts trying to talk like him. I'm guilty of a lot of idealism but I think that shit is just annoying. Be yourself people, it's what he would have wanted. Might as well have vinyl face masks of his running around robbing banks. Be your own rememberer. Or stay stuck on someone else's every word... Do what you want to do I guess.

Dad is absorbed in Facebook. He reads to me his status updates. Describing Disneyland last Saturday. How 80% of families were Hispanic, that being that our ancestors basically stole the land from those hispanic people that they are slowly ultimately taking back the land. "Karma, paybacks a bitch huh?" Silly. I enjoy some of dad's rants. They can seem a little unfair at times, especially when he talks about work, but I like to think that he doesn't apply those frustrations to all people in all walks of life. I really don't think he does. He's just too smart for that.

January 12, 2012 Thursday

So we survived. For now. In dad's apartment. Last night pretty low-key after Charlie & Lena dropped us off. Dad did a lot of facebook stuff. Compensating for lost time. I went though his movies setting aside ones I wanted to watch; "The Misfits", "Diner", "The Doors", "Mulhulland Dr.", "Heartbeat", "Four Rooms", "Chinatown". Watched "The Misfits", looked through dad's book filled with pictures from it. It really is a remarkable movie. I haven't seen all of Marilyn Monroe's movies, but none of what I've seen quite captures her for the vulnerable person she was and this does. In that book, I think Arthur Miller wrote, that "The Misfits" was the most autobiographical film she ever did. I read through that Goddess book Daryl gave me up in the air yesterday. So far it's just kind of analyzing her and her relationships, her family origins, how she came to be who she was. Lies she may have told. I liked something it quoted her saying. Something like " I used to think I was losing it until I found out so many of my heroes were like this." I recall some poster in Mr. Ham's (guidance counselor at Westlake High ) Office freshman year, 2004 - 2005 , it said "People with mental illness enrich our lives" with pictures of several well known actors, artists, etc. The only one I remember at the moment is Vivien Lee. Biographies are good to read. It's insight if you like or are interested in getting to know other people, it's good practice, and comforting to learn of people who share a lot of experiences, especially with yourself.

5 pm - Golden Corral. Dad sits for a couple minutes and inhales a steak or seomthing that looks like a steak. Last I was here I met an older couple, reaching 70s. Named Duddley & Sherilyn. Both wearing purple. Said he couldn't leave the house unless they matched. I said they were like a band. Sherilyn had great curly hair. Looked like she could have been playing at the Grand Ole' Opry in Nashville. She had the look that makes you know she had to have been drop dead gorgeous when she was my age. I don't know how we got onto the subject, but she told me about her twin. She had an identical twin who passed away 3 years ago. Oh yes, we had been talking about "good health" practices. She said her twin had it so rough. They were in the hospital for a couple months when they were born. The were the size of Barbie dolls. I asked her about that twin connection, if she had one or not. She said yes indeed. They'd only been living across town from each other, but Sherilyn said she would know when she was sick. Finishing sentences, the whole deal. Their birthdays were the day after July 4th. I think, Sherilyn said they were in the hospital with her sister. They had the windows open and were celebrating Independence day. Having so much fun, partying and I guess between her and the doctors they think before she went to sleep that night that was the last time she was able to recognize any of her family. I can't remember what Sherilyn said her condition was. It was a good sad story. It made me feel so happy that she had Duddley. What looked like such a loving and fun companionship. It'll be interesting if I ever see, get to live to see any of my friends who are in good relationships now take that with them into old age.

10 pm - Dad's apartment. Still OD-ing on Marilyn Monroe nostalgia. Watched the biopic movie made in the 90s. I remember watching it when it came out down in Alabama. Mom was watching it. I didn't remember everything about it however. Odd movie. I mean, odd person, but after the little bit of the "Goddess" book I've read, the film seems to be just a bit unsympathetic. It seems maybe to really play up the untruths, but I really haven't read too much of the book yet. So we'll just see how well they play into one another.

I don't know if I'll go back to the Path Cafe to work when I get home. That frightened me so much last month. But the idea doesn't scare me so much right now, even though I've been rather not smart with my money. I'm just losing hope for the place to fulfill me. I don't mean perform any miracles, but I at least want to preserve some mental health. I can't put too much time into a place like that. It's accomplishing nothing for me in a positive sustainable way. It's a paycheck. But Jesus, there has to be a better way for me to support myself. Just has to, There were mural jobs I could have taken last fall. Maybe I could try that. Put more time and effort into Etsy. Perhaps come up with a new idea all together. I just know that shucking quality coffee for pretentious people of Driftwood, Ohio  is compromising too much of my time, energy and out-look on life. It's making me bitter, and it's making me cry. I have to get out before it's too late. I just need to try and maintain a savings. I'd be uncomfortable to lose it.

I don't know how people, some people do it, not do anything, have nothing but days off.  guess one could educate themselves quite well that way. I think I would get fatter. I find myself wanting food, but I don't think I'm hungry. It's just a thing. Dad's house is full of stimulus. You just have to lift your fingers. Cats, books, movies, I would once, sit on the floor and paint on jackets and watch familiar movies that I love. Because I can't preoccupy myself with other things if I've never seen the film I'm watching. There's too much to pay attention to, lighting, photography, the actor's face, locations, props, dialogue, everything! To avert your eyes is to ignore hours and hours and days maybe years of effort that the artist or artists put into the picture. and before jackets, t was collaging boxes or scrap pieces of cardboard. Not sitting still.

January 11, 2012 Wednesday

Post-goodbye texts in an airplane terminal. LAX. The sun just came up in the dark sky. It looked like a pink feather made of fire. Now everything outside is blue. Dad sits, hands on lip. Just passed over his USA Today. He's thinking about how the cats are doing. Thinking about buying a laptop for Peter's kids. We got here really early. I handed Shelby my postcard to Jackie & Layne as she was driving away. I hope she'll be okay. I gave her 20 dollars. I know she needs it. No job, school all the time. Her choice, but she's still my sister and only has 8 dollars in her bank account. Her in Los Angeles, me wherever, I had a blip of a life here with her. It didn't happen how we wanted it to. But we are both very different people, with different ideas, different goals, and that's how that happens sometimes. I will miss her. I still have in mind to WWOOF this spring. Probably put myself on the west coast, And dad has that San Francisco trip in April. Maybe we'll come back together.

The plane is boarding in 10 minutes. Just saw a plane take off. Gosh wouldn't "teleportation" be something. "Dissaparation". We fly to Chicago, then to Richmond. My stomach cramps.

This guy across from me. Killing me with that banana.

--Flying so high now. Aisle seat. I can see the desert Rolling mountains. Beverage cart. Really bumpy ride right now. No Thank You, no tonic water, no kindle. The in-flight movie is "Dolphin Tale". I've never heard of it. Some kind of Free Willy for the Justin Beiber generation. So bumpy!

2:36 pm - Chicago time. O'Hare airport. Burrito Beach burritos not bad. This has got to be the end of this eating bender. Dad talks on the phone with mom going on about these blind contour drawings. Been eating so much food lately. Of course, been out of town. Spending too much from my savings. I hear dad talking about how he's been looking at menus. Inspired while on vacation. Wanted to check out how some places make their Huevos Rancheros.

This airport is really nice. Dad so happy he could pass his car off after one last big road trip. Like his best friend, if not Blue the cat.

"I bet it was happy as heck," talking about how he couldn't really enjoy the trip so much as it was happening, it's always after the fact. He smiles, adding "I've had to use the bathroom since the Rockies. I've held it across 7 states. That's a record for me." Our plane was a 757. Our connect to Richmond will be even smaller.

Hunky, weasley, semi-asian guy strutting around our gate, H3B. Works here, but acts as if he has an agent. Surprised there are more hipsters walking around the Chicago airport than in LAX. I wonder if Home Alone 2 was actually filmed in here. Sucking down a Dunkin Donuts iced-coffee without enough sugar. I can't help it. The sight of this place makes me want to consume. But I feel like we're all consuming. That nag nag you cannot escape. Maybe if you're living up in the mountains, never entering civilization, growing your own food might be something to experience. But I'm in an airport that might as well be a shopping mall. In the end.... Why did I buy that god damned iced-coffee?

Looks like I might have a paid DJ gig monthly at the Happy Hound if I want it. Shayne Drewery says 150 dollars he can hook me up with. Boy that would be cool! Maybe I could make it a regular thing. Like "Moods For Moderns" or "Mega-Danse". DJ nights at the Happy Hound basement.

They call these planes, "American Eagles". "EMB". I've seen walk in closets bigger than this plane. I won't take pictures of Benny. No photos of any of this. I don't want to mess with jinx shit. Although maybe the will itself not to is one in itself. I guess we're all just self-aware, always fucked. Dad's Kwanzaa carry-on is too big for the overhead compartment. My chrome bag too big even. We are serenaded by "soothing water music" like the soundtrack to Disney's "Tarzan" during a tender fmaily moment. Exactly. The plane shakes as they shut the cabin door. The guy in seat "10A" is too wide to even fit in his seat. He exclaims "oh-shit"

In flight time, 1 HR 45 Minutes.

In the air. The clouds down there look like a tigers back.

January 10, 2012 Tuesday

Last day in El Ray. Have some Intelli iced-coffee I refrigerated from last night. Still great black. No need for creams or sugars. Put it in a can! All caramel & moody. Last night we also stopped at Videots, this great movie rental place on Pico in Santa Monica. Not a whole lot for sale I was interested in. But they had 2 movies of my choice for rent. "Reckless" with Aiden Quinn & Daryl Hannah, a Jackie Dante choice. One he bought at Video Return in Strongsville. Our date or whatever that was. Says the big dance scene in it makes him think of me. Silly, Maybe Aiden Quinn's freak outs. He's a maniac! Haven't seen the rest of the movie though. They also had "The Gate II" of course. none for sale. And I won't be aorund long enough to rent anything. So the idea of the place must be enough to satiate me. I guess it is. Quentin Tarantino signed Reservoir Dogs poster in the store. I'm sure if dad would have been there, he'd have talked the ears off of some of those clerks. Wouldn't have known what hit 'em. Knowing how dad loves to talk, and how he has so much to talk about. I wish he had been there. But him, Peter, & Daryl ran off to San Pedro.

11 am - "The car is all happy. Extra pep today! All this traffic. Who are all these brown people? This is the best weather I've ever been in, I think I'll stay here." says the Mazda. Picking Shelby up from her canceled class. "I'm hungry". Benny recommends Coca-Cola, "Sandwich-in-a-can". Holds it up smiling.

Kings Hawaiian. They give too many rolls. Can't eat them and expect to finish any food you order Not enough time in Los Angeles to do things we all want to do. Too many people involved. Too far to drive. Benny annoyed at me taking so many pictures. Shelby's always hungry. Gotta make everybody happy. Talking about nervous airplane shit. I'd rather not think about it. Planes. Why I don't like.

4 pm - Driving back from Amoeba everyone in the car is pensive. Dad and Shelby started yelling at each other up-roarously before we parked the car. "Shut-ups & Fuck-you-s" flew and Sheila ended up staying in the car the whole time. I ended up getting 24 cash for records/32 store cred. I took store credit. Damn those Minimal Wave records are so expensive. Even after the credit, I spent 40 dollars. Damn sales tax, 5, 6 dollars.

7 pm - Charged. Sitting in Jeana's kitchen next to Shelby at her counter top. Everyone together yeah? But completely walled off. Something here just doesn't work. I just can't be alright being a link between somebody who isn't sorry and someone who feels hurt and backed into a corner, what can you do? I just want to leave, I'm spending too much money. I'm tired of feeling so bad and being embarrassed because of it in front of family I don't see very often who I don't meet on most levels anyway. It's all unreal to me. I'd just rather be being entirely myself back home with Maddy. At least she gives me time. She lives her life with me. It's this bipolar atmosphere being around here. Especially between Benny and Shelby. One is content to do nthign practically, the other is little satisfied and I'm stuck between the two. Feeling bad for wanting to see some of my friends.

8:35 pm - So... Canter's Deli. Fairfax. Open all night, Jewish Deli. Supposed to meet Toulouse & Valerie. They aren't here yet. This place is sure neat. Turns out I can't take pictures in here without permission though. I did snap a couple of them before I got myself yelled at in front of pastry cases. Huge sputnik lamp on the front pillar. Beautiful.

January 9, 2012 Monday

9:37 am - Taking Shelby to school. Political Science. Torrance, El Camino. 710 N Long Beach Freeway to 91. Rushing in and out of Peter and Jeana's. Stopping a the 7/11 so Shelby can get a snack. Benny gets his paper. Maybe we'll stop at Pop Monster today. Maybe not. Everyone's plans are so screwy.

"Beach Culture Architecture", something neat that comes out of Benny's mouth.

Before we pick up Shelby. Stuck in a smelly Yoshinoya Beef Bowl on Redondo Beach Blvd. Listening to some tall black guy holler on his iphone about bad customer service. I kind of feel like puking. 3000 miles away from home to listen to some jerk yell about Asian fast food.

Back at Peter's, dad recounts for the 3rd time, his budding heads with this dude at Yoshinoya. Of course as soon as I slam the door at this guy trying to escape, dad gets into it with him. Into restaurant manager mode. I won't recount his story. It's too insulting.

"Want some?"
"No thanks, I'm allergic to MSG." Says Shelby. Gimme a break.

Peter and Benny used to live in Hermosa Beach. Saying they were setting off fireworks and caught a palm tree on fire. The cops named the guys across the street too.

2:00 pm - "Chips" Cafe, 11908 Hawthorne Blvd. in Hawthorne, the city. Not too bad considering Pulp Fiction's "Hawthorne Grill" was demolished to make way for an oh-so-culturally-significant Auto Zone. Chips is beautiful. Turquoise bar seats, peach colored booths, even the cabinetry behind the counter is in tact. The tall windows California light shining through. The little hole for the kitchen orders, spectacular. Original looking cash register, slanted ceilings, and even a patio with striped awnings and partitions with little bubble gingerbread work in them. Completely preserved.

UCLA, Westwood school campus bathroom. There's a Jamba Juice in the hallway. Student life. How fascinating. Green lawns and a bear mascot. Charging my phone while Shelby pees. Meeting up with Toulouse & Vanessa at the Intelligensia in Venice Beach.

Nice to catch up with T & U. Shelby thought they were nice. Also met Daryl Miligan for the first time. Gave me a giant catalogue of books his publishing house sells. Wicked photos, esoteric, disturbing stuff. Maddy's going to love it. I got a phone call from her yesterday. She was crying. Said about 20 minutes before she'd crashed her car. Was looking at a beautiful full moon and she rear-ended somebody at 65th and Erie . I felt pretty/feel pretty bad. She hadn't told her dad yet. They left because there was no damage to their car. No cops called. She got lucky. Doesn't even have a license yet. Says the car looks pretty bad. It sucks. But maybe she'll take certain things a little more seriously. She never understood when I'd get mad as she'd flip out over the moon or a cute bunny or something, scream, scare the shit out of me, whoever was driving. It sounds like she's pretty down in the dumps. Her and Karl aren't getting along. I guess Leo & Claire are gone. I hope she'll get my postcard soon.

I gave Daryl a record. He gave me a paperback Marilyn Monroe biography. After seeing those pictures in the LA Times, having been looking for a copy of "The Misfits" already and dad mentioning that he wanted to see that "My Week With Marilyn" movie, I just had this inkling to want to read something about her. A complex person. We're all complex, but hey we don't all have biographies.

"Ra.... RA.... RA" Shelby imitates "Bibi" her pet bird in the morning being all annoying. Benny rolls over mid-sleep ..

"Will you shut the fuck up... Jesus" all pissed. Shelby's busting one laughing. Benny tries to convince Shelby he's been "bumping uglies" in her new back seat. Totally sick. To the same person who plugs her ears in the bedroom so she can't hear Petey's pee stream hit the toilet bowl. I'm going to miss watching dad attack Jack....

"You need to wear a bra for Christ's sake!"

January 8, 2012 Sunday

On couch surveying photos with dad. Supposed to visit Nancy  in Calabasas today. A load of this family dropping in on her and Jerry's million-dollar home. I don't think Peter, Jeana and them see Nancy too often. I haven't seen her since my 19th birthday. She met me in Santa Monica and we got some not so great Japanese food. The place the family can feel culturally connected, yeah? I think Jeana might have a little chip on her shoulder about it. She's a super family girl. They all are. Nothing wrong with that. But a lot of people aren't. Nancy seems like one of them. I'm not "super-family-girl". I do enjoy it though. Mom is in the closest proximity. And things were always done way-differently. Sometimes our lives get a little crazy. Jeana says she can't understand friends or relatives that can move places so far from family. There's an emphasis on unit here big time. It's semi-foreign for me. It's fun to watch this house on a Friday night. Mixed drinks, pool table parties, brothers & sisters, boyfriends. Jennifer all made up, curled hair, painted-in eye brows.

2:30 pm- Sitting in yard. Wake up at 9am to wait 2 hours for Shelby to wake up and get ready. Everyone is putting on their face. I'm excited to go see Nancy but man I'm waiting until I can just take that car and do a couple of things I would like to do. Wrote Maddy & the gang a postcard. Gotta send it today. I want to pick up Donna Milan tonight. Take her out for a milk shake. She, after all, was the person I toasted the new year with. Tried to buy me a drink at Monticello's Really friendly. Connecting on some principal of being alone. It's okay. I've spent new years eve alone before. It was a good time spent. And I like Donna. Didn't get to say goodbye to her that night. She flew home in the morning. In the Monticello's downstairs, left behind by the companions we came with all unknowing, myself at least that it was due mostly to the dickish conduct of Caitlin and Albert's brother in-law. Cornering, telling us we were underage, trying to create a bunch of narcs. It did nothing good for the night. Man that was only a week ago. Nuts! The distances a person can travel. Go from seeing Don, jumped and Karl & Leo pulling his underwear up his arse in front of his new girlfriend to one week later eating greasy burgers in awkward silence, mostly in Downey, California. I guess it takes a retro diner to bring people back together sometimes. It did. A showcase filled with Bob's Big Boy piggy banks for sale
behind the triangle cashier counter.

So maybe milkshakes, coffee, and board games later with Donna. Other adventures? She lives on Miracle Mile? Near Fairfax sounds like, which means near "Canter's Deli". The best burger I ever had before I went veg. Bacon, avocado, burger w/cheese. I just want to go photograph it. Take pictures back to Caitlin. She owns Montichello's, wanna give her some inspiration.

January 6, 2012 Saturday

Morning at Jeana's. Where is there a good donut shop around here? Krispy Kreme is the reasonable chain but you can't walk or drive a mile in any direction without seeing 4 to 5 donut shop signs. Life is to be a coneseur of everything, and in Los Angeles, with a mantra like that you're bound to always have something to do. It would and does take money though. Such as the fact that I dropped not 30 but 50 on these notebooks at Mitsuwa on Western by the new Japanese hybrid hotel. I could do this, I think, if I keep my money situation replenishing itself. I could travel, buy these notebooks, even take them home and sell them privately. Under the moniker "Subterranean Desire". I could make a stamp and simply stamp every notebook in the back. Like a seal, on the inside of the back cover. I think about jobs. What to do when I get back home. A person who is convinced they are quitting their job shouldn't be dropping 50 dollars on notebooks right? But I do and I did. I haven't spoken with Shayne Dominic or Jonah from Spin Dial. It could still pan out though. I'm not decided yet whether or not I should go visit Leo & Claire in New York City before I go home. Maybe I could go by Minimal Wave records office, give them one of my tapes. I'm looking for something new, something bold, something exciting, and fulfilling. And maybe somebody that shares my enthusiasm. How long can 2100 dolars last a person in this day and age? I'm sitting across from Benny reading LA times at Jeana & Peter's table and I'm drinking UCC Kona coffee with milk in a can. "Contains not less than 10% Kona Coffee" and that's all I know right now. I don't know anything else.

We're going to the happiest place on Earth today. Saturday, a day/night featuring the Fantasmic show. A time, for a moment where you can get swept up in that childhood fantasy with colored lights, happy people dancing, fireworks, Mickey Mouse, and a chorus song. Something Jiminey Cricket would have sang. Watching it you can almost cry thinking of child dreams, wishes, innocence, and pure unjaded outlook for the future. When do we lose that? The alienation of high school? For some people maybe hormones? Id' like to think I haven't lost that ream, a clean idea. A Crystal Mind.

"You wouldn't be able to talk in my apartment. People would think there was a water buffalo in there."
Benny says to Jack. Uncle Benny. "Maybe I should have never attacked you with the Pilsbury Dough boy growing up." My dad makes me want to have kids some day. Jeana home, makes cheese and egg sandwiches.

There's still so much to do. So much to see. People to see too. Leo's sister, Donna, lives here, Dylan Kimmel from the Cedar Lawn Theatre, Toulouse & Valerie. Then there's Kel from Time Off Todd, and Bud Hall. But that might just be too many. I want to go to all of my favorite spots and then some new ones. Shelby describes Union Station and some old diner. One of the first restaurants of Los Angeles, "Philippes". Then some Bob's Big Boy on Firestone Blvd. that Mad Men filmed an episode at. Little Tokyo, King's Hawaiian Cafe on Sepulveda, 101 Cafe on Franklin, some place in Manhattan Beach. Intelligensia in Venice Beach. Handsome Coffee for Jack Jackson. Demi-Tas some place Wes works at. Amoeba, the Arc Light, Captain EO!

Near 9 pm - Who leaves Disneyland crying? For real, apparently I do. Benny lose patience? No way, who'd have thought?

Bob's Big Boy, formerly "Harvey's Broiler" on Firestone in Downey, CA. Stop for some food before Peter & Jeana's again. Sputnik lamps, perforated ceilings, neon signs, white leather booths. It's perfect. Garlic veggie burger, chocolate milk shake for me. Fillet of fish & a Pepsi for Benny envethough the air is still palpable and it's awkward because I'm still a little mad at his attitude. Shelby For hot chocolate & a regular burger. Funny/sad story, some contractor company was trying to tear it down before Big Boy took it over. But the city fought them. However just in the night they went in and tore if all down before they got permission. Big no no. Big Boy went in and rebuilt it to look original practically. Amazing, so beautiful...

Soooo... SoCal

January 5, 2012 Friday

Downey, California in the morning. Dad at Jeana's table talking about how he's going to take it with Nathan. Jeana talks of how Alicia's boyfriend took chapstick and rubbed it all over her face with her make-up. Of course dad interrupts her before she finishes the story. Jeana the ever-host, made us eggs. Shelby out of class at 12:30. Rebecca here, one of Jeana's neighborhood friends. More adult things, boyfriends, medical problems, the college basketball team all being lesbians. How many boyfriends Becca has had in the last 4 years.

We got in around 11pm last night. We pull off at what must have been the same Fosters Freeze/Chevron gas station that Devon and I stopped at back in 2008. Funny how that works though, in the middle of the desert like that, you don't have too many options. Somewhere between Indio/Coachella, Dad gives me the keys. I've got one of those Starbucks double shots, and he's out like a light. The speed on the highway really picks up. On the tip of a mountain, like coming out of a hole, I see the glitter of the lights of Indio. Too bad it's dark out. Indio driving is one of my favorites. Wind turbines everywhere. They were lit just a little bit. Little red lights, little blue lights, and maybe 10-20 minutes on the other side, La really begins. So many towns crazy shopping mall signs. Such bright and bold colors, must have gone up, I imagine in the late 80s early 90s. As plentiful as the palm trees. The LA Moat. Crazy.

The trip happened about what I thought. Like it was over before it began. Isn't that how these things happen? The weather out here is unreal beautiful. Sun is shinning. Not a cloud in the sky. I can here Jeana vacuuming inside. The sound of the fountain in the driveway, 2 fountains, birds chirping. Stepping up on the doorstep, feels kind of like I never left. That crying feeling I had driving away 3 years ago. It's nice that I can make it back here.

Mitsuwa! With Shelby and Benny. Shelby super vivid camera order number 10, udon noodles! Mifune. The Japanese stationary store of my life. I'm dropping back in there and probably going to spend 30 dollars. "Campus" notebooks. Benny is so anti-Disneyland. Snick and Benny could talk so well, because they both belong to the ex-Bambie club, apparently Shelby hasn't said anything about the great "re-connection".

For the love of god, who gave us all cameras?

Later - Cerritos College, watching Rebecca's basketball game. I have no fucking idea what is going on. So I've been just talking it up with Shelby most of the time. Back and forth talking about future stuff. Of course, it happens when you haven't see somebody, your sister in almost a year. Some male cheerleader just did a major airsplit in the moment of scoring some game saving point. These cheerleaders man, this would be my first basketball game attendance ever. But these have to be the laziest cheerleaders I've ever seen. There seems to be so many of them to be doing so much of nothing. Except Mr. Air-Splits of course. A Pacific-Islander with a Fohawk.

January 4, 2012 Thursday

10:00 am- Ft. Hancock, Texas. Nice guy sells me some stamps. "Chile Limon" chips taste like barbeque fruit loops.

Noon- "Bowein's Running Indian" Outside Las Cruces. "Our culture's verson of checks and balances is a hinderance to my pursuit of kicks and speed across the continental USA" - Benjamin A. Pinel Post border patrol.

Stop in New Mexico, Deming. "Tacos Mirasol". This is the biggest cup of horchata I've ever seen in my life. I can barely grip the thing. 1.95 for a giant Pizza Hut style plastic cup. Dad excited as the server sets a 16oz glass bottle coke in front of him. He goes on about real sugar. He recieves another phone call from "hair club for men" out of northern Virginia. Benny says "You could grow tomato plants in my armpits right now" and he's very upset that I'm documenting it.

2:25pm- Arizona Welcomes you. Dad is unhappy rather freaked out by the state of my unshaven legs. Tells me now all of the different things members of the band "Rush" collect, golf, bicycle, baseball. New Order plays.

4:22pm- Mariana, AR - Elevation 2000 ft. The Ford Eclipse convertable at the Chevron pump is cherry red and the model name on the trunk is missing letters. It says "Lips". Deliberate? Likely. A Long blonde haired girl in the driver seat. Somebody abandoned their shorts in the women's room. "Abandon ship" I exclaim to some white haired lady.

The Southwestern United States. Casa Grande National Monuments. I can't believe I could be in 71 degree weather in January. I usually have Maddy with me in this part of the country. The orchards are great. Eloy city limits. Interstate 10. Good thing she ins't here. She doesn't like the 10 much. Or the interstate period. I don't much object to it. When time is of the essence, it is appropriate. Maybe one day soon, I dream it won't be.

"You were 164!"
"There were 140 quality line drawings before you. How do you feel about that miss special?"
"You thought you were the only post-sex-line-draw-girl!"
Maddy you are here in spirit. Myself and Benny

Near Blythe, California. A Carl's Jr. fish sandwich. Really fishing it out the last couple days. It's not bad. Dad is on the phone with Peter checking in. It's kind of crazy. I guess there's wifi here. Tons of people plugged into their computers. I wonder are they locals? Or are they travelers just like us? I remember trying to use McDonald's wifi in the desert at some point with Devon in 2008. Strange how culture goes. Dad continues to wine about the rolling suitcase he's borrowed from Charlie and Lena. Covered in African wild-life he calls it his "Kwanzaa Carry-On". 

January 3, 2012 Wednesday

I love how confused employees look at McDonalds when you ask for lite sweet iced coffee. Kingstow, Tennessee. "Oh hey, Bill what are we gonna do with this ugly old fence around 1st Baptist church? Let's tack metal signs of all 10 commandments.."

-2:06 pm - 2nd stop at a McDonald's in one day. Benny likes the fillet - o - fish. We're almost to Memphis. Not sure if we'll be taking 40 all the way to LA or if we'll drop down 30 and take the 10. Hit Las Cruces, where I feel is sort of a silly little landmark for our little family. I will begin my next driving shift shortly. Last stop for gas I discovered in the cold drinks section, Slim Fast in a can. The way it should be. Sent a picture to Maddy. She and Karl tried to go on the diet together in December when she discovered her food stamps were good for them. They didn't last. The cappuccino flavor was sick and they all ended up getting snatched up on the spread for that last show at the house with "Fly Finger".

-4:49 pm- Arkansas, no-stop-ansas, Land of Clinton, and bathroom sink water in Carlisle to drink. We will take 30. Texas you old dog you all night it's gonna be! Benny does Dallas.

-8:45 pm- Somewhere on Highway 30, before Dallas. Just spotted our first "Jack In The Taint" A "Whataburger" Oh the wonders of Southwestern roadside food culture. Really a whole new world. Looks like the employees at the offices for Ocean Spray are working late tonight.

"Apples for The Teacher", "The Gun Zone", A couple names of businesses seen from the highway. Del Taco, crispy fish tacos will become dinner. We sit and wait. I feel like you cannot get overly excited about food down here. Dallas Del Taco. We hope to maybe be out of Texas before the next sun. That would be something! Took about a 2 hour nap around Texarkana. Dad describes to me the most beautiful car dealership he's ever seen while I was asleep.

The car-ride is filled with daydreams. Dad talking about his ideal restaurant that his posse of Carlos, Fabrizio, Charlie, would follow him anywhere. It sure would be a dream to have dad going after sights like that. Living in Cleveland no less. Mom and him back together. The truly modern experience. "Dirty Diana" plays on Del Taco radio. Has me thinking of Leo, Claire, Maddy, Ren, Marty, and the car wars on Friday night between Dianna's and Ohio City to the tune of Bruce Springsteen's "Dancing in the Dark" It would be some kind of riot to get that group of kids down in the Southwest. Would certainly need a bigger motorcar!

We pulled over for 2 1/2 hours or someth

January 2, 2012 Tuesday

Log opens in Richmond, Virginia. Chester to be exact. Sitting on floor in Paps room. There's nowhere to sit. The only chair is from our old couch set and is covered with rolled up posters, baseball caps, his old Japanese flag running jersey, and wool coat he picked up in Nashville last year. This is one of my favorite places to be. I feel like something lives in here. It's not me, not even dad exactly. It's a force. Whatever force we live by is preserved in this room. No other place looks or smells the same. In here, both of our personalities collide and a platform exists for us to stay together. I think that's how it's always been.

--5:25 pm - To Golden Corral and back to the apartment. We're about to go to some car dealership to look at this car. The car dad will replace the Mazda with when we come back from delivering/seeing Shelby.